Unsettled and Settling In

This has been a difficult couple of weeks for me.

My fiance and I have broken up.  There were arguments and fights and lines crossed that cannot be uncrossed.  I’ve moved out of Rochester and back home to Buffalo to get out of a toxic and dangerous situation.  I’ve left behind responsibilities, opportunities, lovers, and friends.  I’ve made painful and difficult decisions, made even more painful by the fact that I didn’t want to make them, that I shouldn’t have to make them, that there were no good answers, just some answers that were better than others.

The biggest irony of the situation, as far as I’m concerned, lies in the fact that there is so much here that is good for me that I (almost) feel guilty about it.  Friends opened their homes and gave me a room, a mattress, and promises of food and shelter till I get back on my feet.  People were telling me about trans-friendly workplaces within the first day or so.  I’ve connected with people in ways that I’ve never connected with them before, and it’s filling my heart to the brim and over with gratitude and love.  I love.  I feel loved.

Of course, this isn’t just limited to human Kindred.

The third day I was here, I woke up feeling golden-amber light pouring over my body as I slept comfortably alone on a mattress where I can really stretch out.  I called out the Freyja, feeling her presence and feeling her draw closer to me.  While I basked in that glow I loved myself in ways that I never have before.  I loved my body and I felt beautiful and sexy without him being there to tell me that I was.  I loved myself as a complete being, not a composite, not a transitional creature, but as who I am.

She and I had a talk.  Being in desperate straights I asked for help and a deeper connection to her.  Later that day, after taking omens from myself and others on the matter to make sure that it was the right thing, I dedicated myself to her in ways that I haven’t before, and I’ve felt her arms around me ever since.

So now I have a new life where I’m healing and learning to love myself, where I’m growing into a new person, a more whole and healthy person than I was before.  I have a new dedication (my Matron still sits on Her throne, approving; she still loves me but was nothing but encouraging regarding the new relationship) to a Goddess I’ve loved since childhood and who has done more to help me to flower than nearly anyone else.  I have a lot of wonderful things coming into my life, and as I said in the update a few days ago, I want to embrace those things in joy and gratitude.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring.  I don’t know what will come a week from now.  For once in my life, I’m okay with it.  I’m making myself be okay with it – one of the mantras that has kept me on track lately has been “It’s what I need to do.”

(The bare bones of my Frejya shrine, having just been set up.  I shared Kraft mac and cheese which is a comfort food for me, and poured her some Krupnik and lit some amber incense.  It felt like the sort of meal you share after just moving in to a new place, while you’re still sorting through boxes and trying to find space to sit on your bed, but you still invite a friend over because you want their company.  As a matter of fact, that’s exactly what it was.)